Just discovered I have not written anything since 2017, and that was a shock. Not a surprise, just a shock. So I have to admit, that I was in a struggle that left me alone even in a group, isolated and not aware, and a struggle that was taking the last of what made me human away from me. The worste part of it was that I did not even care. I wanted to just be left alone in my room to indulge in myself, and the hell with the rest of the world. In 2017, the fast spiral was just beginning, and I hit the bottom hard in 2020. It has taken me until now to open up that this was my world, my secret world, for almost 50 years. Each year in that span of time I lost a little more, and as it was just a little until 2020, I just didn’t care or allow myself to feel bad about it. “I’m just hurting myself/dropping things that don’t effect others/losing people who don’t really care about me” were my justifications.
Today I see the dishonesty it that. I am not “cured” by any means, but a day at a time, I am attempting to clean up the wreckage of my past, and stay focused on what is necessary to not go back to where I was, and to move forward from where I am at. Just for today, I am going to try to reach out of my shell just a little more, and sweep up something else so that I am not leaving more and more damage on my path to life.
marquessa81 