So, in the past week, my life changed dramatically. I went from fear of losing everything, including a dying car that still had a 5 figure loan against it, my house, not being able to purchase my medicine, and spending about $20 a month on food, to being virtually out of debt, a little money in savings, and being able to figure out my future. But the panic and fear I have been living under for so many, many years lingers.
I am still having dreams of being chased by people I owe money to. Still having 3 AM wake ups where I am drenched in sweat from fear, and the remnants of the dreams letting me know that it is that I will be homeless, starve to death on a street, and be without any friends. These fears have been very real, very pressing, and incapacitating me. They go back pre 2000, and never went away. I never really got over them even when I was married to my second husband. In fact, that marriage exacerbated the fears, as he expected and demanded that I keep up financially with him, paying my way through a marriage that was so financially lopsided, that it totally destroyed my self esteem and my identity. So for the last six years, I have struggled, clawed and scrapped my way along, alone. Before that I did this married to someone. Two someones. And in their own ways, all that did was to make my situation worse. It was not only their fault, though each of them did contribute in very different ways to the problem. I have ownership in the problem. Part of the problem for me was I took total ownership of a problem that was created with the help of others. I can now say, “This is what I did, and I now understand why I did it” and also say, “This that you blame me for is not all of my own making. You helped this along by xyz.”
I no longer find myself in need of anything, except the basics. I do not need to prove anything to anyone. It is as if now I have hit my Jubilee Year of life. And the lessons, the values, the sifting and weighing of things, both material and spiritual, have come to a resting place where I can now move forward toward a place I am to be. Not moving frantically just to keep ahead. I can let the herd move past me into their place, and take my place behind the whirling dust of their lives. Go be dervishes. I chose to step where and when I wish.
But I will know when it is real rest when the dreams change and the dreams move to a cleansing place, and the chasing goes away. Until then, I will make the best choices, do the best things I can, and move toward a life that has potential, growth and a joy that goes beyond the use of the word in English. My own Tikkum is happening. May from this, Tikkum Olam be a part of the world around me, and spread like seeds of the breeze, being watered with good and pure water of love.