I woke today feeling like I really wished I was in a relationship with someone. Then I read several Facebook posts and revised that a little. I do miss having a person beside me that knows me so well, and I him, that we can share a funny joke without saying a word. Someone who when I am sad, or had a bad day, will just give me a hug for no reason and without being asked. Someone to be silly with in the grocery store, or to rhyme with in the car on long trips. I never had this person, but it is the person I dreamed of spending my life with. Loyal, faithful, reliable and that it was a reciprocal relationship in these matters. So I miss not having my dream person.
What I do not miss is being the one to blame every time something goes wrong. I do not miss doing something correct and getting no credit for it. I do not miss the disillusionment of finding that what you thought was true about someone is diametrically opposed to the reality of what you are in (mostly because I either moved too fast into a relationship and instead of being honest with myself about what I was seeing, made excuses to myself about what I was seeing).
I do not miss being the one to put all the effort into making a relationship work, and the broken promises that one day the other will put effort into the relationship. I learned that if there is no effort put in from the early stages by both sides, that this is what is going to be accentuated on down the road, and become the status quo. If I have to work at it, really hard work, and they are not working as hard, maybe it is not worth being in that relationship. I am having to give up of myself too much. It should not feel like work, but should feel like building together. If it does not, then it is lopsided, and I need to let go sooner – not years into it. I do not miss finding that the man was holding on until something better for him came along, and he willingly let me do the work and be so wrapped up in this that I did not see what was really happening.
Is there a man strong enough, sure of himself enough, and looking for the same things I am looking for. Not a caretaker, but a friend – a best friend in the best sense of the concept. My soul mate. Someone who I am the completion of the puzzle for, and he is for me. Maybe I will not find him, and maybe I was not meant to find him in this lifetime. But I am finding who I am from the search for my other half, and maybe that is much more important than finding him.